In the movie Man on the Moon, Andy Kaufman as portrayed by Jim Carrey was asked by his girlfiend (played by Courtney Love) who the "real Andy Kaufman" was.
He stared off into space with an expression that indicated surprise at his own self awareness. He said, "There is no real Andy Kaufman".
I saw that movie almost eighteen years ago. That scene has resonated with me for years.
Today I recalled that scene and how I felt there was no real me.
Then I had a thought: If there is no real me, then will "I" be missed if I disappeared or blew my own fucking brains out?
I have threatened suicide many times since I was six. I'm tired of it.
No, I'm not tired of living. I'm tired of threatening suicide.
I have come to a conclusion. I am a fucking sociopath.
I like to think I have somewhat of a conscience.
There are people I care about. And I do value each and every human life.
I will do what I can to help those I care about and the innocent strangers who may cross my path.
But in realizing that I can be whomever I want, assume any ideology or identity that suits me at any moment, I can accomplish more than I ever thought possible.
If you are my friend, I will do what I can to remind you of your own worth and value.
If you are my enemy, watch the fuck out.
There is no real me. And I'm not going to kill myself.
Someone else is going to have to do it.
Best of luck, world. I'm awake now. And you're not ready.